if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
go do what you do best...puke behind churches
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Randomize
