Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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