ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Randomize
