remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
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