clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
