he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Randomize
