he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
Randomize