He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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