I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
