Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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