I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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