hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Boobs are out for the taking
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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