I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
