I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
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