so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
