My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Randomize
