There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
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