i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
