I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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