My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
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