She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
