dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
