There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
my god I love twenty year old dicks
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
