I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
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