He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I FOUND THE LEGS
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
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