Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize