she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Randomize
