thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
