i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
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