Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
