I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
