he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
