i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
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