that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
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