I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Randomize