I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
