I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
