haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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