You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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