$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
