Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Randomize
