Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
