You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
