I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
