Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
