....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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