Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
