So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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