i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Randomize
