I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
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