Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
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