I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
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