is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
She made me pour olive oil on her.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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