your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
