Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
