broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
