I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
