And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
no you cant smoke seaweed
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
