You're so nebulous sometimes
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
