i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
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