remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
